Words of doubt.

I have been in a despondent state of mind. Up and down, but more down than up. Trapped in my thinking and stifled by fear. An imaginary fear - of what could happen, or not. I tell myself, you could live the life you want, just step outside of yourself. But the fear, it consumes me. It has no face, no image - just words - of doubt. People do it all the time, live the life they want. Why can't I, why not me? Yes, indeed, why not you?

Searching to exist.

Drowning with each breath of an internalised exhale.

A glimpse of myself, of who I might be and I disappear.

The reflection is obscured, I see me, and yet I can't feel me.

A palimpsest of stories - mine, theirs, yours.

Fragments momentarily revealed; opening, closing, sinking me ever deeper.

I want not to escape.

I am a seeker - lost in existence, searching to exist.

Exhausted.

I am tired. Not tired; exhausted. Exhausted by life. Not life ending exhausted. Everyday exhaustiveness. Resentful of the need to be thankful, I am. I left. I walked out the door and drove. I drove into the preceding darkness; encompassing and boundless. Invigorative. It was all that I could do to cease the words. Judgement; internal judgement. I drove, autonomously without direction. I stopped. The words. The judgement. The noise. I stopped outside the light of homeliness. I am tired. Not exhausted; sleep inducing tiredness.

Just type...

On the eve of a New Year, I sit here in anticipation of 2016 and what it will bring. A year passed, full of self-reflection and growth...I lay here selfishly longing to be alone with my thoughts - quiet stillness. I brought us here, it was my decision, my choice to surround us with friendship, laughter and unimagined memories. I need both. The anxiousness getting the better of me. Momentary solitude without the internal angst of needing to be elsewhere...my wine and company awaits me.

Here's to the New Year.