Searching to exist.

Drowning with each breath of an internalised exhale.

A glimpse of myself, of who I might be and I disappear.

The reflection is obscured, I see me, and yet I can't feel me.

A palimpsest of stories - mine, theirs, yours.

Fragments momentarily revealed; opening, closing, sinking me ever deeper.

I want not to escape.

I am a seeker - lost in existence, searching to exist.

Exhausted.

I am tired. Not tired; exhausted. Exhausted by life. Not life ending exhausted. Everyday exhaustiveness. Resentful of the need to be thankful, I am. I left. I walked out the door and drove. I drove into the preceding darkness; encompassing and boundless. Invigorative. It was all that I could do to cease the words. Judgement; internal judgement. I drove, autonomously without direction. I stopped. The words. The judgement. The noise. I stopped outside the light of homeliness. I am tired. Not exhausted; sleep inducing tiredness.

Just type...

On the eve of a New Year, I sit here in anticipation of 2016 and what it will bring. A year passed, full of self-reflection and growth...I lay here selfishly longing to be alone with my thoughts - quiet stillness. I brought us here, it was my decision, my choice to surround us with friendship, laughter and unimagined memories. I need both. The anxiousness getting the better of me. Momentary solitude without the internal angst of needing to be elsewhere...my wine and company awaits me.

Here's to the New Year.